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gwendolyngraceSo.
I'm gonna navel-gaze for a bit and catch up on a few things. It's been a helluva week and it's only getting better.
I'm basically all but done at work. I set my out-of-office reply and auto-forward on the email, I recorded a final outgoing message on my phone, set it to extended absence, and sent all the calls direct-to-voicemail. My key and ID are in the drawer and I brought home all the remaining personal items, including my calendar and the wrist rest from my keyboard (which was actually mine from Mt Auburn). So the only thing remaining is to come in for breakfast tomorrow and deal with any last emails that may come overnight or tomorrow morning. And I'm off to Rochester and then Buffalo for Masked Ball.
Still have to finish packing, but I've got the evening to do that.
First I'm going to gaze at my navel a little on the subject of my career so far and my options to come.
Boss D hasn't written a recommendation letter, but he did put together my evaluation. You know, the one I was worried would be less than stellar. Actually it was really strong and he was really good in our discussions.
Luckily, I have previous experience with his evals to know that he drafts them up with most comments and ratings as talking points - that is, he'll put in the "needs improvement" column where he really wants to discuss things, not that he intends to slam me on them. We went over everything together and rephrased a few things. On the one thing that wasn't a "Developing" "Solid" or "Major Strength" we discussed it and I convinced him to pull it up to "Developing". And I took his point about it.
What he was saying was that I have a lot going on outside of work, and that the non-work-related stuff competes for my attention during the day. He didn't personally have an issue, because he knows I get everything done, but that he thinks I need to be sure that I have a formal agreement from BigBosses up the line in the future so that I have the freedom to do that. Or else that I need to temporarily set that stuff aside to focus on a major jump in my level, sock money away, and then really be in a position to take time off to pursue other careers. He said that he thinks I have awesome potential to be pulling down $200K/year and so on, running big guns, as it were - if there's something I can throw myself into with passion equal to that which I exhibit for other things. He also said that he thinks the other stuff - the fandom stuff, the freelancing, the SCA, etc. - really holds me back from doing that as well. That I hold *myself* back by distracting myself with that stuff.
And he's right, in one sense - gods know that the involvement in HPEF and so on has been a HUGE drain on my time and resources, even if it has also been a blast when the cool opportunities come along. And singing in the SCA gives me a measure of validation and success that I haven't got from constantly getting frustrated in theatre and so on.
But as for the passion? Well, what is going to give me that passion if not theatre?
So, I'm discussing this with my father Tuesday, and when we got to this point, I said that really there's nothing else that is ever going to matter to me as much. And I don't remember what he said to prompt it, but the next thing I recall saying was that I've made the choices I've made in order to pay bills and afford to live, but that no matter how content I am, on any given day there's still, and always, an underlying melancholy, depression, and bitterness that I tamp down in order to keep going. Mind, I'm not saying that I'm walking around feeling suicidal and sorry for myself or any of that bullshit, but yeah, there's sort of an ache all the damn time.
"Well, I never knew that," says my father. DUH. Where have you been?
I said "That's what I told you 5 years ago, when I finished the Master's. I said that I knew coming out what I knew going in - that I don't want to BE a manager. I don't care about business administration or project management - it's just a means to a living."
"Well, you never put it like that. It wasn't clear what you meant."
Well, yeah, Dad, because you have no idea what it is to have a vocation. I don't think you've ever had something inside you that you absolutely know, in your soul, is what you were meant to do. And I don't think there's ever been anything in your life that you could not live without.
People in theatre don't *choose* theatre. It chooses them. Nearly any professional who's actually made it well tell you: If you can do *anything else* besides theatre, and be happy, do it. Because it's no life if you don't absolutely have to have it.
And it's sure as hell no life when you can't pay your bills doing it, either.
Anyway, then he's all like, "Well, then you have to do it." Yeah, no shit, Dad. How? I'm working on it, dammit. Maybe not fast enough.
He even called me again the next day. "I'm really sorry. I was thinking about it long after we got off the phone." For the gods' sakes. Whatever, Dad.
So here's my question: If I'm going to try to take the next 3-4 months and really push for professional theatrical gigs, what's the best course? Agent? Online sites? Crap, I'm not very happy with the online voice and talent sites I'm finding. I've even got a pro account on one and I'm not sure it's worth it, though I admit I haven't really been getting as much utility out of it as I might do. I dunno. I think one could easily waste a lot of time and money on these kinds of accounts and get nowhere. Maybe Stagesource is the best option. I clearly need to sink some money into better headshots and maybe spend some serious time working on my in-home recording setup.
Which brings me to auditions for Fiddler. I will tell y'all, I rocked it. Again. Of all the ladies reading for the character I wanted, I know damn well I read the best. I got the best reactions from the committee - and the director, dangit. But guess what? TOO OLD. Despite the fact that on a stage I can still read very young (I mean, heck, I didn't look too out of place opposite Dan S in Mame, even though I was twice his age).
Casting hasn't happened yet, since there are more auditions tonight, but I did get a callback - for a role about 20 years older than I *actually* am. Not that I don't want to play the part,cause she's fun, but y'know, in 10 years? And btw, again, a pretty much non-singing role in a musical.
But. The director is one of the best in the area, and there's little question that if offered the role, I'll take it, and I'll do well at it, of course, in order to work for this director. Just.... Y'know, I just don't get it. When I was 20-22, all the roles I was age-appropriate for were given to women who were 15 years too old for the part. Now that I'm 15 years too old for the part...everyone casts women in their teens and twenties in those same roles.
What. The. Fuck. Is wrong with this picture?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, if I really want to be serious about this theatre stuff, I know, I have to just take what's offered and make it work and do a great job and keep getting cast. I would like to play a few key roles before it's completely ridiculous. But maybe I'm already ridiculous.
I'm gonna navel-gaze for a bit and catch up on a few things. It's been a helluva week and it's only getting better.
I'm basically all but done at work. I set my out-of-office reply and auto-forward on the email, I recorded a final outgoing message on my phone, set it to extended absence, and sent all the calls direct-to-voicemail. My key and ID are in the drawer and I brought home all the remaining personal items, including my calendar and the wrist rest from my keyboard (which was actually mine from Mt Auburn). So the only thing remaining is to come in for breakfast tomorrow and deal with any last emails that may come overnight or tomorrow morning. And I'm off to Rochester and then Buffalo for Masked Ball.
Still have to finish packing, but I've got the evening to do that.
First I'm going to gaze at my navel a little on the subject of my career so far and my options to come.
Boss D hasn't written a recommendation letter, but he did put together my evaluation. You know, the one I was worried would be less than stellar. Actually it was really strong and he was really good in our discussions.
Luckily, I have previous experience with his evals to know that he drafts them up with most comments and ratings as talking points - that is, he'll put in the "needs improvement" column where he really wants to discuss things, not that he intends to slam me on them. We went over everything together and rephrased a few things. On the one thing that wasn't a "Developing" "Solid" or "Major Strength" we discussed it and I convinced him to pull it up to "Developing". And I took his point about it.
What he was saying was that I have a lot going on outside of work, and that the non-work-related stuff competes for my attention during the day. He didn't personally have an issue, because he knows I get everything done, but that he thinks I need to be sure that I have a formal agreement from BigBosses up the line in the future so that I have the freedom to do that. Or else that I need to temporarily set that stuff aside to focus on a major jump in my level, sock money away, and then really be in a position to take time off to pursue other careers. He said that he thinks I have awesome potential to be pulling down $200K/year and so on, running big guns, as it were - if there's something I can throw myself into with passion equal to that which I exhibit for other things. He also said that he thinks the other stuff - the fandom stuff, the freelancing, the SCA, etc. - really holds me back from doing that as well. That I hold *myself* back by distracting myself with that stuff.
And he's right, in one sense - gods know that the involvement in HPEF and so on has been a HUGE drain on my time and resources, even if it has also been a blast when the cool opportunities come along. And singing in the SCA gives me a measure of validation and success that I haven't got from constantly getting frustrated in theatre and so on.
But as for the passion? Well, what is going to give me that passion if not theatre?
So, I'm discussing this with my father Tuesday, and when we got to this point, I said that really there's nothing else that is ever going to matter to me as much. And I don't remember what he said to prompt it, but the next thing I recall saying was that I've made the choices I've made in order to pay bills and afford to live, but that no matter how content I am, on any given day there's still, and always, an underlying melancholy, depression, and bitterness that I tamp down in order to keep going. Mind, I'm not saying that I'm walking around feeling suicidal and sorry for myself or any of that bullshit, but yeah, there's sort of an ache all the damn time.
"Well, I never knew that," says my father. DUH. Where have you been?
I said "That's what I told you 5 years ago, when I finished the Master's. I said that I knew coming out what I knew going in - that I don't want to BE a manager. I don't care about business administration or project management - it's just a means to a living."
"Well, you never put it like that. It wasn't clear what you meant."
Well, yeah, Dad, because you have no idea what it is to have a vocation. I don't think you've ever had something inside you that you absolutely know, in your soul, is what you were meant to do. And I don't think there's ever been anything in your life that you could not live without.
People in theatre don't *choose* theatre. It chooses them. Nearly any professional who's actually made it well tell you: If you can do *anything else* besides theatre, and be happy, do it. Because it's no life if you don't absolutely have to have it.
And it's sure as hell no life when you can't pay your bills doing it, either.
Anyway, then he's all like, "Well, then you have to do it." Yeah, no shit, Dad. How? I'm working on it, dammit. Maybe not fast enough.
He even called me again the next day. "I'm really sorry. I was thinking about it long after we got off the phone." For the gods' sakes. Whatever, Dad.
So here's my question: If I'm going to try to take the next 3-4 months and really push for professional theatrical gigs, what's the best course? Agent? Online sites? Crap, I'm not very happy with the online voice and talent sites I'm finding. I've even got a pro account on one and I'm not sure it's worth it, though I admit I haven't really been getting as much utility out of it as I might do. I dunno. I think one could easily waste a lot of time and money on these kinds of accounts and get nowhere. Maybe Stagesource is the best option. I clearly need to sink some money into better headshots and maybe spend some serious time working on my in-home recording setup.
Which brings me to auditions for Fiddler. I will tell y'all, I rocked it. Again. Of all the ladies reading for the character I wanted, I know damn well I read the best. I got the best reactions from the committee - and the director, dangit. But guess what? TOO OLD. Despite the fact that on a stage I can still read very young (I mean, heck, I didn't look too out of place opposite Dan S in Mame, even though I was twice his age).
Casting hasn't happened yet, since there are more auditions tonight, but I did get a callback - for a role about 20 years older than I *actually* am. Not that I don't want to play the part,cause she's fun, but y'know, in 10 years? And btw, again, a pretty much non-singing role in a musical.
But. The director is one of the best in the area, and there's little question that if offered the role, I'll take it, and I'll do well at it, of course, in order to work for this director. Just.... Y'know, I just don't get it. When I was 20-22, all the roles I was age-appropriate for were given to women who were 15 years too old for the part. Now that I'm 15 years too old for the part...everyone casts women in their teens and twenties in those same roles.
What. The. Fuck. Is wrong with this picture?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, if I really want to be serious about this theatre stuff, I know, I have to just take what's offered and make it work and do a great job and keep getting cast. I would like to play a few key roles before it's completely ridiculous. But maybe I'm already ridiculous.
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